The Afterlife Coffee Break Strikes Back
by Beautiful Lady
Summary: SPOILERS contained herein. When we last saw our cast, Heaven had blown up. Now they're stranded on Gunsmoke and the Heavens of different genres are merging with Anime and Video Game Heaven. Life insurance, dancing gorillas and missing psychopaths. Comedy.


WARNING: This show contains adult language and adult situations. Viewer discretion is advised. Bitch.

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS: Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee Break. This is a sequel. If you haven't read the original stories, we have no idea why you're reading this one. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Due to the destruction of our studio in Heaven, we are broadcasting from our sister studio on Planet Gunsmoke. There may be some crossed signals. Today's episode is brought to you by Heaven Brand Beer. When you want to drink yourself to death, why not go to Heaven? We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

ANNOUNCER: Previously on The Afterlife Coffee Break…

_HEAVEN EXPLODES. In fact...it explodes real good._

_GUNSMOKE. Awhile later. Battered, bruised, covered in soot and generally looking sorry, the cast of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" and "The Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break" (minus SEPHIROTH), are sitting in a straight line, side by side, in the middle of the desert. With them are AERIS and MILLY. They are all silent, simply staring at the suns setting before them._

_SPIKE places a crooked cigarette to his mouth and gets to smoke for the first time since he died._

_SPIKE: (savoring the first drag) I forgot how good these were. This should have happened a long, long, long time ago._

_SPIKE offers the carton of cigarettes around. REM and WOLFWOOD take one each and then pass them on to MILLY and AERIS who share one. SPIKE even passes one to VICIOUS who takes it gratefully. DR. CLICHÉ declines and takes out a flask of strong whiskey instead._

_REM: So. Heaven blew up._

_ALL: Yeah._

_WOLFWOOD: (taking a long drag) Hey, Legato?_

_LEGATO: Yeah?_

_WOLFWOOD: Somehow, all of this is your fault. You know that, right?_

_LEGATO: What? Havoc? Mayhem? Explosions? You damn skippy._

_The End (?)...._

_  
_ANNOUNCER: Our story continues…****

Episide 1: Technical Difficulties

:: (Due to copyright infringement, the Patented Scene Change Identifier has been changed. No colons were injured in the filming of this episode.)

PLANET GUNSMOKE. A dark, desert landscape is spread out like a dark, desert-like thing. More suns than any planet needs dot the sky.

KNIVES MILLIONS of "Trigun" fame, killer, criminal-mastermind, and Plant (don't ask), is standing on the dunes, looking evil and irritated.

KNIVES: I'm evil and irritated.

Behind him is NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD also of "Trigun" fame. He is wearing a dusty, black suit with singe marks here and there.

WOLFWOOD: Are you...talking to yourself?

KNIVES: (clutching his heart, dramatically) Of all the terrible things that could happen to me at the height of my glory, I'm stuck here with the ghosts of a traitor, his lame friends and the entire film crew from a stupid talk show from Heaven. This blows. And the insurance ladies! God how I wish to do terrible things to them. I should make them watch re-runs of "Power Rangers"...over and over! And then..."Rescue Rangers!" Yes...oh, yes. I'm DEVIOUS.

WOLFWOOD: And now you're ignoring me. REAL mature.

KNIVES: (looking around, troubled) And I keep hearing voices!

WOLFWOOD: Okay, this is frustrating. Are you going to keep treating me like I'm not here?

KNIVES: (crossing his arms) Yes.

WOLFWOOD opens his mouth, closes it, and then opens it again.

WOLFWOOD: Did you just talk to me?

KNIVES: No.

WOLFWOOD: (jumping up and down) Yes you DID! You totally DID!

KNIVES: Maybe just for a minute, traitorous scum. But now I'm completely deaf to all your stupid, dead person talk.

WOLFWOOD: Oh, REALLY? Well then FUCK YOU.

KNIVES: Now who's being childish? I don't feel the urge to not talk to you any more. I'm going back to my SECRET HEADQUARTERS to convince my brother to take over the world with me. And you can't come, so there! (raspberries WOLFWOOD)

WOLFWOOD: Can too.

KNIVES: Can NOT. You don't even know how to get there!

WOLFWOOD: I do too. EVERYBODY knows where your headquarters are.

KNIVES: No they don't. They're very secret. And...hidden.

And with that, KNIVES storms off. WOLFWOOD is left alone in the desert. He pats down his jacket for the fiftieth time that day. He's still out of cigarettes.

WOLFWOOD: (shaking his fist at the sky) Damn you, Legato!!! Damn you to...er...someplace unpleasant.

::

STATIC.

A DANCING GORILLA takes to the stage in a dress. It does a few turns and then starts to strip. Slowly.

MORE STATIC.

ANNOUNCER: We're still experiencing some technical difficulties. Shouldn't happen again. Roll the tape.

::

There is a HULKING BUILDING in the middle of the desert. On it are flashing, neon signs that read "SECRET HEADQUARTERS OF KNIVES MILLIONS, FUTURE RULER OF THE PLANET, BIZ-NATCH." A giant arrow blinks on and off, indicating the door.

KNIVES is proud of himself for his subtlety.

INSIDE his SECRET HEADQUARTERS, KNIVES and his brother, VASH THE STAMPEDE, are sitting across from each other at a table. The room is cold and mechanical with wires and tubes stretching across it. VASH looks uncomfortable. KNIVES is studying a diagram. On it is a stick figure labeled, "Gathering of mankind." There is a drawing of a missile heading for it.

KNIVES: (continuing)...then we'll just let the bodies decompose. They'll be fertilizer! I AM a GENIUS!

VASH: So...about this whole "Taking over the world thing"... Kind of sucks, don't you think?

KNIVES: Not at all. Since I now have a house full of unwanted guests, my weekly, Saturday night bridge game has been cancelled. I needed a way to fill up the extra time.

VASH: And you chose to kill all of humanity?

KNIVES: Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

VASH: Couldn't you be doing something ELSE with your time? Like, say, I don't know, helping my friends get back to Heaven?

KNIVES sighs and lowers the diagram.

KNIVES: Do you have something on your mind? Something you want to share? Hmm?

VASH: (sheepishly) Well, yeah. It's just that...I kind of LIKE people. Some of my best friends are people. Actually...ALL of my best friends are people. Couldn't you let them live? PLEEEEEASE?

KNIVES: (considering his brother) Now, Vash, you don't have to hold back. What's REALLY bothering you?

VASH: Um...that IS what's really bothering me.

KNIVES: (pats Vash on the shoulder in a caring way) Come on now, let it all out. I'm here for you.

VASH throws his hands in the air.

VASH: You're HOPELESS!

He storms out of the SECRET HEADQUARTERS, leaving KNIVES to scratch his head in confusion.

KNIVES: (calling after VASH) Was it something I said?

::

STATIC.

DEAN: I mean, I understand 'Dead' but there IS a difference between 'Anime and Video Game Dead' and 'CW TV Show Dead.' Check the list again; I'm not SUPPOSED to be here.

DEMON: (flips the chart) Um, yeah. You are. Go stand over there next to Obito Uchiha.

DEAN: Hell. No.

DEMON: Hell. Yes.

DEAN: SAM!!!!

MORE STATIC.

ANNOUNCER: We're REALLY sorry about that.

::

PLANET GUNSMOKE. A SMALL VILLAGE ABOUT 200 ISLES OUTSIDE OF LR TOWN. A LIVING ROOM SETTING.

SPIKE SPIEGEL is scratching his head (it takes effort) and staring at a telephone. Suddenly, he picks up the receiver, dials a number, waits and then hangs up.

SPIKE: Dammit.

MERYL STRIFE walks into the room and looks at SPIKE with worry on her face.

MERYL: Mr. Spiegel? What are you doing?

SPIKE: What do you THINK I'm doing? I'm calling God.

MERYL: Wha...?

SPIKE: The penthouse number, you know?

MERYL: God has a penthouse?

SPIKE: He's a party guy. I just thought...even if Heaven got destroyed, somehow God would still have that penthouse. I mean, it's a penthouse, come on.

MERYL: Well! Now's not the time to be down!

SPIKE: It's not?

MERYL: No! Now's the time to get up, get motivated and do something useful with your newfound life!

SPIKE: I was actually ENJOYING Heaven. Being dead suited me. I practiced it for three years before I got it right.

MERYL: Um...I'm sorry?

SPIKE: Never mind.

MERYL: Well, okay! Mr. Spiegel, I was just talking to Milly and what she said made a lot of sense.

SPIKE: (warily) What did she say?

MERYL: She said you're a walking disaster.

SPIKE: WHAT?

MERYL: But don't worry, we're used to that kind of stuff around here. It happens ALL the time. But it does make me think that maybe we need to get you on the program as soon as possible.

SPIKE: Um…program?

MERYL: That's right!

From NOWHERE, MERYL manifests a briefcase. She opens it with a flourish. Inside it are colorful pamphlets with titles like, "Sudden Death and YOU!" and "Who Will Pay for Your Life Once You're No Longer Living It?" SPIKE looks a little sick.

MERYL: As you can see, we have flexible plans that will fit your budget!

SPIKE: (as calmly as he can manage) Meryl, it's not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but there are a few things I think you need to consider.

MERYL: Oh?

SPIKE: Yes. For starters: I'M DEAD. What would the point of a life insurance policy BE?

MERYL: That's the best thing about our new policy, we redefine death!

SPIKE: Wait…what? How do I not qualify as dead? I've been in Heaven for years. I've been to hell!

MERYL: The new definition of 'dead' excludes anyone you can see or have a conversation with. Under our new terms, you're just 'Mostly Dead', which is still 'Slightly Alive.' You're very eligible for our Platinum Plan.

SPIKE: It's just not possible. I'm not ALIVE!

MERYL: Now, now! Just because you've been dead for ages, doesn't mean you can't die again! In the event of such tragedy, who will pay for your funeral?

SPIKE: (thoughtfully) I dunno. Um…I don't even know who paid for it the FIRST time.

MERYL: See, wasn't that thoughtless of you?

SPIKE: No. Believe me: I put a lot of thought into it. I packed grenades.

MERYL looks uncomfortable but recovers. She hands SPIKE a pamphlet that reads: "Dying Twice and Your Budget."

MERYL: Maybe you need to read one of these. It can't hurt.

She walks away and leaves SPIKE to stare at the pamphlet with a worried expression on his face.

::

STATIC.

SAM: Wait, wait. Are you kidding me?

DEMON: Your brother said the same thing.

SAM: There must be some mistake.

DEMON: Pretty sure there's not. You two die a lot.

SAM: DEAN!!!

MORE STATIC.

ANNOUNCER: DAMMIT! Uh, sorry again, folks. Still working on the problem...

::

DR. CLICHÉ'S SECRET LAB. It's really just a shack outside of VASH'S HOUSE in LR, but DR. CLICHÉ loves it. On the wall are diagrams and charts that look very scientific and important. DR. CLICHÉ and SEPHIROTH are staring at a drawing on a chalkboard. The drawing is of the UNIVERSE (represented by the world 'Universe' in a box) sandwiched between a rock labeled 'Rock' and a big square labeled 'Hard Place.' DR. CLICHÉ is the same as always in his lab coat, but SEPHIROTH appears to be wearing, for lack of a better word, bling.

DR. CLICHÉ: Dammit, Sephiroth! You can't do that to me anymore! I need your help here with my experiments! You're ideas are so useful and your input invaluable! Don't you understand?

DR. CLICHÉ points at The Very Helpful Diagram with a very long pointer stick.

Dr. CLICHÉ: See? The very universe is broken, trapped between a Rock and a Hard Place! How am I going to send you back to Hell where you BELONG if you keep disappearing on me!

SEPHIROTH: I've said I was sorry. Like a million times.

DR. CLICHÉ: Sorry doesn't cut it! Our progress is stalled because of your inconsistency! I wouldn't feel so bad if you'd just TELL me where you disappear to!

SEPHIROTH: (looks sneakily from side to side) Um…I was visiting…my family.

DR. CLICHÉ: (eyebrow raised) Really? You have a family?

SEPHIROTH: Well, yes. Um…brothers. And…my mom. She was…um…_sick_.

DR. CLICHÉ: I'm sorry to hear that. What was wrong with her?

SEPHIROTH: She was in a box.

DR. CLICHÉ: (frowning) What?

SEPHIROTH: I mean, she had the pox!

DR. CLICHÉ: That's terrible! Well, I'm glad she's better now. And you certainly seem to be doing well! Where did you get that necklace?

SEPHIROTH: (looks uncomfortable) I found it.

DR. CLICHÉ: And the designer glasses, leather jacket, gold tooth and rings?

SEPHIROTH: I found them, too.

DR. CLICHÉ: What about the limousine full of half-naked women?

SEPHIROTH: Um…would you believe friends of the family?

DR. CLICHÉ is about to question that when there is the distinct sound of a cell phone ringing. The ring tone is Kanye West's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger."

SEPHIROTH: Hold on, I have to take this. (answers the phone) Yo, what up, Mac Daddy? Nah, I'm here chillin' with my main man. Nah, that's cool, tell me whatcha got. Sequel? How are we supposed to pull that off? I mean…I died, man. Again. I mean, fans will put up with one whack script, but two? Ah, I see what you mean, they are pretty stupid. If Rufus is down, then I'm cool. Yeah, boy! That's tight! We can do that shit. Word. What do you mean 'Fourth installment?' Aren't players tired of that shit? Sora? He said that. Tell him that's the shiz-nit! Yo, I'm cool with that 'cause that One Wing Angel shit be 'da bomb! Give a shout out to Mickey and Goofy! I'm outtie. Peace (makes a peace sign).

With that, SEPHIROTH hangs up and acts like nothing happened.

SEPHIROTH: Sorry. You were saying?

DR. CLICHÉ: Who was that?

SEPHIROTH: A…cousin.

DR. CLICHÉ: Really?

SEPHIROTH: Twice removed…?

DR. CLICHÉ: (with a long-suffering sigh) It sounded awfully like AN AGENT to me. Is there something you need to tell me?

SEPHIROTH: Um…no. Like what?

DR. CLICHÉ: Like, maybe about lucrative contracts for projects that frequently take you away from the problem at hand! How are we supposed to fix the universe if you keep sneaking off to make video games and movies?! It's like you don't care!

SEPHIROTH: That's not it! It's just…!

Just then, SEPHIROTH'S phone rings again. DR. CLICHÉ looks at him as if to say, "Me, or your Hollywood friends?" SEPHIROTH is torn. He look at the phone.

KANYE WEST: Dat, dat, dat that don't kill me can only make me stronger.

SEPHIROTH looks at DR. CLICHÉ.

DR. CLICHÉ: Well? Make your choice!

SEPHIROTH looks at his phone.

KANYE: I need you to hurry up now 'cause I can't wait much longer.

SEPHIROTH: ARGHHHH!

He answers the phone and there is the TERRIBLE SOUND of DR. CLICHÉ'S dreams and hopes shattering to a million pieces.

DR. CLICHÉ: YOU HAD SUCH POTENTIAL! ARAAAAAHHHHHHHAGGGAHHH!

He runs from the room, tears streaming from his face. SEPHIROTH reaches a hand out towards him, but it's too late. He's left alone with his phone.

SEPHIROTH: Hello? Yo. That…be the bomb. Diggity.

A single tear falls down his face.

::

STATIC.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Well, this IS a quandary. We all appear to be dead.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: You're telling me. But you ARE a handsome devil.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: What the hell is a Hokage and why am I in line BEHIND the fourth one? Am I not more important? After all, there is only ONE Captain Jack Sparrow.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Then how do you explain us? Honestly, this isn't very much like Disney Hell. Where's Mufasa? And Bambi's Mother?

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Did you not hear the stories? Some wanker blew up Heaven and all the different Heavens got mixed up. Now nobody can tell they're asses from their ankles. It sounds like a wonderful time.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: I like grapes. Humiliated raisins, really.

MORE STATIC.

ANNOUNCER: Now this is just ridiculous. Last time, folks. I think we've tracked down the problem.

::

THE DESERT. WOLFWOOD is staring up at the stars. He looks sad and lonely. Suddenly, DR. CLICHÉ storms out to join him. The little man looks as if he's been crying.

WOLFWOOD: Hey.

DR. CLICHÉ: (sniffles) Hello.

WOLFWOOD: How's the expermentating going?

DR. CLICHÉ: I'm afraid not very well.

WOLFWOOD: Figures. We're stuck here: Not really dead, not really alive, and completely out of smokes.

DR. CLICHÉ: (with feeling he doesn't actually feel) Don't worry, young man. It could be worse.

WOLFWOOD: How? We won't even work together! Sephiroth is never here and Spike sleeps all the time. Milly is too busy with the kids to talk to me. Meryl's a workaholic and Aeris refuses to speak to anyone but Rem who spends all her time trying to make flowers grow. In a DESERT! Knives never stopped trying to take over the world even though it looks like it's ending and he won't leave Vash alone about it. Poor Vicious just polishes his sword and wanders around looking for his bird all the time!

DR. CLICHÉ is silent for a moment. Finally, he clutches his hands behind his back and rocks on his heels.

DR. CLICHÉ: You're forgetting someone, aren't you?

WOLFWOOD: (ticking the names off on his fingers) Me and you, Sephiroth, Spike, Milly, Meryl, Aeris, Rem, Knives, Vash, and Vicious? Nope, that's everybody.

DR. CLICHÉ: (softly) What about Legato?

WOLFWOOD doesn't say anything for a long, long time. Finally he coughs and shakes his head.

WOLFWOOD: All of this is his fault. He abandoned us, anyway. Been missing for weeks! Who the hell cares what happens to him?

And with that, he storms away leaving DR. CLICHÉ to watch him go with a thoughtful expression.

DR. CLICHÉ: You do, my friend. You do.

To Be Continued…

Up next?

The Search For Legato!

Author's Note: It's been a long time. Wazzup? This has been on my hard drive for a very long time. I don't know if I'll write more or even if I can, but I wanted to try anyway. I know it's not very funny. Also, if you plan on re-reading the original stories, I just noticed that something went wrong with the site and now all of them have major mistakes that weren't there when I first uploaded them (all those years ago). :(

I'll have to fix them. Blah. Thanks for tuning in.


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